Wednesday, June 18, 2008

our beloved : a quiet revolution

The thing is this - I never told you. I never showed you. All of you Out There. I couldn't actually say out loud WHY that for the past 10 months there has been a river of fear flowing through me ... heart palpitations ... midnight tears ... 4am sweats ... shortness of breath ... sleeplessness ... lack of desire ... lack of energy ... hair falling out ... stress lump the size of my fist at the top of my spine ... for the past 10 months my heart has been in my neck. And I have been Dealing, I have. And for the MostPart dealing well but for all the RestPart, barely. Barely functioning and sometimes poorly. Always covering it all up in slathers of Face.

And WHY? For the last 10 months I have been unable to say the words "I lost my only sister" ... because I did. Because BabySister did disappear. Because almost a year ago she went away from us and for 4 months we did not know how to find her and when we did find her it took another 4 months to TakeHerFromTokyo and bring her to our home in PNG to our family in PNG.

And it has not been easy ...

And just when my neck is about to snap from craning it permanently in BabySister's direction, a small miracle happens. A few days ago, inside of a heartbeat I learnt that I needed to stop playing sentry over BabySister's EveryMinute. Someone Above showed me GraceInAnother and I have been witness to something very very sweet. A quiet revolution. Of a beautiful soul.

While I was holding my breath, my BabySister settled back into her skin. On her own. With a little help from me, MyMama and OurFamily.

And so, her CircleOfSadness is coming full and she is getting ready to tie up the ends on that story which saw her handicapped-in-so-many-ways in Tokyo after 8 years licking kawai & kirei stamps in Someone Elses Land. So we brought her home to PNG in February and BabySister has had to learn how to LookAtTheWomanInTheMirror again and we have been praying and I have been holding my breath ...

And last week I turned around and There She Was. I heard her heart smiling on the phone. I only rang to say I would call again later and all she said was 4 words which sound like 'ok' and 'I love you' ... but inside the walls of those everyday words I heard all kinds of purposeful and wonderful things echoing, like Hope and Future and Certainty. She sounded exactly like ... HerSelf. For the first time in such a long time. And I am so grateful. So very very grateful.

For the first time in maybe years my BabySister is looking forward to every new day.

It is now clear to me that Her Spirit Has Come Home To Her and in doing that is has called to me and it is saying "I know You Know Me. It has been your job to watch over me and protect me and I will always Need You but you can Release Me from your care now. I need to pick myself up. By myself. Just for now."

And all week I have been close to tears. On the busstop curb as the sun rises. At my desk while the computer whirrs on. Peeling back the yoghurt top at the work fridge. As I settle the telephone back in its cradle. After I hit send on an email. As I hand over change from my yellow purse for The Big Issue. As the elevator rises to the 38th floor. Scrolling through my blackberry. Furling my umbrella in the cab. Stirring cream into my just-got-home-tea. In the 5-minute-quiet before I rise in the morning. At a hundred pauses in a day, these past few days, I am close to tears, my heart feels so full ... I am so full of joy now. Joy!! And great great Thankfulness. And calm circumspect.

Because the one person in the world who has Every Claim on me has just asked to exercise her rights to Do Just That. To Claim. And that feels so Good. And yet somehow, DeepDown, I am melancholic - because how is it that she could ever forget that I would do everything in my power to protect her - that that is My BirthSong. How did she ever forget that my story cannot function without her presence in it. How did she ever forget that she always had somewhere to turn. How did she ever forget our family does not know how to exist without her? How did she ever forget that we none of us are ever ever ever alone? Especially her. Our Beloved.

How could she forget? Because I stopped listening properly. Because I started looking too deep into my own well. Because I wanted to believe her when she said SheIsAnIsland. Because ricebag let her guard down. BabySister was so good at marching to the beat of her own drum and letting everyone know she needed her Awayness that even I started thinking that that was true.

And all I can do now is make a promise to you, BabySister. I will do all I can to never let you forget again how to hear your TrueSelf amongst all the white noise.

You should also know that I am so incredibly proud. So so so so proud. So proud to belong to you. Because you Never Gave Up. Not for one minute. Even when you wavered on The Edge something deep within kept holding on. I hope you know that you have been resilient in the face of overwhelming fear. That somehow you kept faith in a time of lostness. And that even when you could not see through the fog, you felt your way forward. And now that you are coming out on the other side, you are taking responsibility. And you Smile. And you hold your head high. And you have Hope.

And for the first time in a long time I too am Looking Forward without a clouded heart.

And so here we are. It is Spring again.

holding my breath


sorry for being away so long. been sort of holding my breath for the last 6 weeks. just kind of all legs in motion and nothing new, not much new but lots of the good same stuff. some of the things that have happened include:

  • ricebags new flattie, GoodCam, who has slotted into our house and our lives so smoothly in the always-up-to-drink-vodka-until-dawn-if-a-sad-flattie-needs-me-to kind of way
  • woo has gone to nyc to live and breathe and bake over a central park summer
  • ricebag is working daily out of one her client's offices and this means she is away from the mothership most days
  • various dinner parties and drinking parties and movie parties and afternoon and drinks and weekend drinks and night drinks
  • a weekend of dvds and duvets at The Lake with kbbaway and ren
  • movie premieres and art exhibitions and wine tastings and salsa classes
  • fundraising for the relief effort in Burma
  • etc etc
  • and and and ... ricebag. stopped. smoking. cigarettes. (yes woo - i stopped with you ... have you stopped proper?)

blahdy blah blah

the truth is ricebag is hanging in until until until ... very soon her life, her geography, her hemishpere is going to change ... and then this EveryDayNess of Sydney will be past tense.