Thursday, May 19, 2005

rick astley was right

'All I needed was to cry for help' ... I just forgot how to ask!! Running around the office like I had to do it all and know it all, all alone ... silly billy me. Am still a pretty stressed out ricebag but not feeling totally hopeless, now that I've remembered that it's not a solo race - do you even know how good that feels, NOT to feel Totally Hopeless?!

Starting to get a grip with Work - tentative but real. Its clear to me they've chucked me in the deep end and are watching me very carefully ... they know I can swim but my limbs have atrophied ... getting some massaging but mostly I just have to do the hard yards. There won't be any rescues.

A senior colleague sat me down and said "You are very very very smart. But you're starting practice now and its the real world so you've got to learn how things work."

Truth be told though - I'm not as smart as she thinks. Somehow I have managed to wing it - you can call me WING-GIRL, coz I am queeeeeen of winging. I wung it through school and then I wung it through uni; I wung it through my travelling little-lost-girl life; I wung it through other people's socio-economic groups from the highest-set to the village-set; I wung it through loves lost and the few I've kept; I wung it through 5 continents on copper coins ... and the list goes on.

And that is the sad truth ... that everything I've managed to fit in so far on the list of things done in this thing called My Life seems to have been accomplished by elements other than ME ... that knowing my own weaknesses, I must praise God for putting so many excellent circumstances amongst all the shitty ones ... because I'm not that smart; I'm not that exotic; I'm not that brave; I'm not that fit; I'm not that worthy ... I am not that person.

So I think maybe I just keep reflecting all the brilliance of those who surround me. That is, the sparkle and glow of the real stars that flitter and filter through My Life, they somehow shed some of that beauty and I've been picking it up like lint on my skin ... and that's how I keep on going. Because looking at them, the people I admire, the ones I love, the few I trust ... I truly feel I can make it. And then when I look in the mirror, there are traces of glitter on me too.


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