one of ricebags biggest biggest worst fears

---

"What is the meaning of life? That was all - a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with the years. The great revelation had never come. Instead, there were daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark; here was one. "
Lily Briscoe in Virginia Woolf's "To the Lighthouse"

---

On the eve of her birthday Ricebag muses on her life thus far ...

Some of the most important girls in my life, my best friend, BBC, my long-lost cousin Finni, my lovely Finah & Nelo, BabySister and some ors ... love me dearly but don't want what I insist upon them ... don't you want to see this or this and do this and this I say. Aren't you dying to get out and get lost in something bigger than your fears?? Always I get a quizzical look and I swear there's something like pity in there was well.

So what did they teach me?? My women have taught me thus: Will you ever learn, they smile in age-old fashion ... your life is not for me. Your dreams are not mine. Your wildness is your own. My life is good and I am working towards something. I don't have your needs or your passions. My own are sweet and are coming together one by one. By one.

Perhaps, to them, I am thus:

"Your dear, restless, vivid-hearted friend. Sometimes you feel a sharp envy at the sensuality of her ... But you remind yourself that she isn't happy and probably never will be and it's a comfort, that. For no matter how much Theo achieves and acquires and out-dazzles everyone else, she never seems content. She's taught you that people who shine more lavishly than everyone else seem to be penalised by discontent, as if they're being punished for craving a brighter life. I've been knocked down so many times I can't remember the number plates, she said once.

Many people are afraid of Theo but you've never been ... All the noise of her personality is a mask and when it slips off, on the rare occasion, the vulnerability riddled through her is always a shock."
Anonymous, 'The Bride Stripped Bare'