Thursday, September 28, 2006

ricebag's birthday today

"despondent"

... or as I prefer to say - the anniversary of the birth of the first child of MyMama.

Yeah - yeeeeeeeaya - another bleeping year older.

I don't know why but I kind-of hate having a birthday. It's meant to be a day where I can proclaim it in some way and everyone should know, but days like that, like parties-for-ricebag or graduations - anything that puts me in the spotlight - always makes me feel sad. Sincerely, sad. In some strange way I feel alone and worse, lonely. Weird. I always feel best when IT is about somebody else and my own miseries and celebrations are just me, in me, inside me. That is why I want to be tiny. I love to be large - when I am standing in the glow of someone else's moment - but not in mine. I can't tell you the lengths I have gone to to avoid being the "reason".

So I'm just letting you know whassup.

xx


Yessah ... I write you from my cool air-conditioned shh shh office. Lots and lots of air-conditioning. Lots of shhhhhhhh, noise that is not actually noise, humming that lies just under the radar - not sure exactly what it is - leather-backed swivel seats rolling across marbled carpet; computer hard-drives whirring some electronic pah; the slick sleeves of flipping folders and files; ink-jet printers emitting paper emissaries signalling the work due now, due tomorrow, due yesterday.

  • 12 months ago to the day Ricebag was resigning from her job in another shh-shh office and about to embark on 4 months on boats and buses across the islands and highlands of this mad and awful, intense and beautiful country.
  • 24 months ago to the day Ricebag was walking down off Mt Sinai in the Sinai Desert, Egypt.
  • 36 months ago to the day Ricebag can't remember what exactly she was doing but she was with Finah in Amsterdam, camping by a river with a bunch load of bikers.
  • 48 months ago to the day Ricebag was losing her impossible love in the blue blue mountains of Enga.
  • 60 months ago to the day Ricebag was solo trekking and rescued by a missionary plane somewhere on the wrong side of the border.

Today is only the 2nd anniversary-of-the-birth-of-the-first-child-of-MyMama that ricebag will be celebrating with her family in the last 10 years.

I want my cake.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH! Happy Birthday darling! Big kisses and hugs and lots of love for you, and we'll celebrate in style this weekend!

MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH!!!!!!

29 September, 2006 08:57  

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