gulp

Today. Today I swallowed gum for the first time in like, ever - well, the first time this century anyway. The reason? I was waiting to go into a big interview/meeting for this little secret that might take me to IndiaMyIndia next year and I was chewing gum because of a poorly planned salad a la onionie. So ... I swallowed the gum. Down it went. I could feel that hard little lump travelling down my oesophagus and now, 6 hours later, I can still feel it's presence like a pebble floating in my chest. Weird. But even more weirdly not wholly unpleasant.

What has been Unholy and completely Wholly SHIT has been the days since I last blogged you.

Some serious shit hit the fan in the personal life of ricebag and one of her oldest and most treasured relationships has ... let's face it ricebag ... it's over. Over. Over. Over. Finished. As much as these things can be. Not just a Best Friend but a Blood First Cousin - FJ. The kind that said We were Forever and then turned around and said she didn't believe what she'd said. Ever. And that I wasn't worth loving.

And it spun me OUT.

Driving home on Friday I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe and so I just pulled over under a sunken dusk and heaved and heaved and then bawled for every Sunday and the days and the hours, minutes and seconds in between. I have not cried like that since I got to PNG and I have to say it was pretty alright to get some of that shit off my chest but I didn't feel all that much lighter afterwards anyway. I just felt ... drained. I felt like I'd had my stomach pumped so now all the poison has been sucked out but my body was feeling wretched, physically drained and pummelled because of the experience.

And ricebag thanks God once again that MyMama was here to stem some of the flow. Even though we both are lost to FJ, she was Mad when I was Sad. MyMama was Cross and so she should be, she's been persecuted by FJ, and now she was standing up. Me? Must have been in shock. I just couldn't feel anything but sheer utter sadness.

That was then.

Now?

Now I've let go.

I had to. I was a sucker. SUCKER. Because FJ shut us out completely for the last 5 years and still somehow ricebag was sitting in the corner hoping that all of our shared experiences and shared hopes and borrowed dreams of a quarter of a century would have meant more than even the greatest of misunderstandings. But I was wrong. And She put me straight. She put in my in place ... which, according to her is nowhere but a BEGGAR'S.

I just needed her to Say It To Me. And she did. The first contact in five years and ricebag gets one e-mail that's meant to end Us. So I get it, FJ. I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. I get that you want out.

And the worst saddest most awful thing is I still Do Not Know Why. I don't know why. Not really and not truly. Do I want specifics? Yes please. I don't understand vague and general accusations - they take too much liberty. General accusations assume too much. They cover a deeper truth. I asked for an explanation, something, anything, anything defensible or anything I could admit to, something, anything. And what I got was a bunch of non-specific accusations heaped upon reeking bullshit and stupid lies.

And that it was a load of bull was so apparent that I can only come to one conclusion - that my cousin isn't really interested in the truth or she wouldn't have clung to the lies so hard. And I can only assume that she clings to the hate and the lies that feeds off because she doesn't really care about the truth because she, at the bottom of it, doesn't really care about us.

How did we get to this? How does this happen? Have I led a sheltered life? If I take you and you and you for granted please do NOT let me - EVER.

One day I'll let you know what happened.

What I can say is that, throughout all of this, my conscience is clear. Thankyou MyMama for at least drumming it into my head that if I carry myself with some semblence of integrity then no matter what people throw at you, you can at least hold up your head and walk straight through the crossfire. And I am. And it's the only thing keeping me from crumbling.

When your Family fractures ... it is devastating.

Ricebag