pity the fool

Mr T (courtesy SMH website)

Absent Ricebag apologies muchly for turning exactly into the awful person she hoped never to be - work-work-sleep-work-sleep-work-work-sleep kind of person.

How incredibly sad.

I'm so sorry Mr T ... Ricebag/Islandbaby/I let Me down.

It's Newton's law. I am feeling more than a little bit overwhelmed currently. Over the past six months it has felt like my life has spun completely off its axis and simultaneously come to a complete and total stop. There are so many things that I want and think and believe and they all involve action but for some reason I have basically allowed myself to stop moving. I have felt as if I have been drifting through life aimlessly without really seeing any of it.

And this is kind of what I want, I mean, it's the best 'place' I can be in THIS place - ie gainfully employed and supporting others also ... but I think that I am just feeling completely drowned and that worries me because I need to make my way to the surface again and begin to participate in things again instead of continuing my life as a shadow. It's so Newtonian (ahh physics how I ... love ... thee) - a body at rest tends to stay there. Isn't that what he told us? I have come to a rest and have allowed myself to stay there for far too long, and now I need to get my shit together and start moving again, and I am desperately afraid that I have forgotten how to do it. Which sounds silly, but is nevertheless the truth.

As somebody once said ... "Move your ass and the mind will follow"

How utterly poetic.

Newton didn’t, however, take into account chaotic inertia. Although your body or mind comes to a halt, there is always the unseen that will cause it to move.

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So. Thank God Above for Friends.

Dawso, you gave me a breather and it feels good to know you know. That you KNOW. You're very very important to me boy, so please look after yourself.

I wrote to my dear old boy, Dawso below:

yeah - in the dream i had we went for a really looooooooooong drive somewhere - dont know where - and all of it was at night although i got the feeling we'd been driving for weeks - i think even stu was in it for a bit!

as for your broken back - what can i say but i feel just awful youve been crippled like this. i have to say all my moaning and groaning puffs away when i think about you and your back. just BE STRONG - and i dont mean that in a poofy way - i REALLY REALLY mean it.

as for me? been getting sucked into the vortex AKA sleep-work-sleep-work-work-sleep - am seriously wondering if this is the point in my life where i decide to make like a squirrel and burrow and save or throw off all of that and FREAK OUT and do what i really really want to do when i grow up .........

dawso, there must be some kind of secret enjoyment out of knowing you shook off 9-to-5 years ago and have accepted come-what-may/master-of-your-own-fate future now.

am desperate for so many things. for certainty and security. and then the exact OPPOSITE of certainty and security. its such a selfish life all this self-obsession and me-me-ing is seriously depressing. thats why i reckon kids are the healthiest option - everything stops being just-about-1 doesnt it -

whatever fareva as we say around here.

take care and be good

as ever ricebag

And Dawso wrote back:

Hopefully we were driving down Rodeo Drive on the way home from a premiere after party and you were so drunk it seemed like the trip took a long time.

Re me quitting the corporate world and doing other stuff there, the most important thing you have to realise is that there was a passion burning deep down in my gut I could not ignore. The only thing I can compare it to is like a calling to god and becoming a minister. There are thousands of people who get jack of the corporate world just because it is a grind and they do big hours and slowly become burnt out and depressed. However for me it was never like that. I actually liked working in the office - being around people all day, going out for a coffee, gossiping, catching up with mates for lunch and then having a few beers after work. But I just had this calling in my body to do something with film - still don't know whether its as an actor, writer, director, producer. Not sure, but I just can't ignore it.

I love living the gypsy lifestyle at the moment. Today was weird though - I spent the day at the Downing Centre watching the sentencing of this 20 year old guy whose case I have been following for a while. I sat in the public gallery and by lunch time I had met all his family. I told them I was a film producer and that I thought what had happened to their son would make an amazing film. They've given me their number and invited me out to their house next week to start telling me about the story - going to have to put it off for a while until the back gets better and I can drive out there though. It was really weird sitting in the court room and thinking 'god, I've got a law degree and that could be me in there sitting along the bench. Warry was one of the instructing solicitors so it was funny sitting their watching him while I was at the back of the room.

Anyway, what I'm saying is just appreciate the good things around you. You're educated, your healthy and you are loved by a lot of people. Be grateful you have the opportunity to work as a professional and earn a really respectable wage - think what some of the people you saw around the world on your travels would do with just one day of your pay? But if there is something else you long for don't stress and be patient. It will come along when you're ready to discover that. I spent many years before I finally realised what I wanted to do. I'm probably not making sense, but you know what I mean I suppose.

xo

Yeah yeah I know what you mean. Ricebag KNOWS. And the tiger in her is ripping at her gut - the REASON you LEFT that life behind, Dawso, I understand that. But it just seems like this awful luxury I can't afford in this place where someone like me has a 'responsibility' to BE someone. It's called Grooming, love.

That's why I know I gotsa go. Maybe PNG-la = not so much the place? Please don't say.