Monday, July 11, 2005

the impossible love : part 2 : love another

What can I say in my defence? I fell in love. Crazy. In. It. Heart palpitations. Asthma attacks. Loss of concentration. Loss of apetite. Loss of fear. Loss of regret. Beautiful thoughts. Perfect wishes. It was an incredible time. And it became so incredibly hard. Tough to my mind and hurt to my soul. And I survived it. By leaving.

And now I am back. And I saw him. HIM. The Warrior. For the first time since the last time. Since 3 years ago when I got on a jetplane and said I'll be back again. For him. So he'd better be ready. Can you imagine?

And what did he say to me?

"Love another."

And there have been other, less intense, anothers ... but no another like the other I left behind.

And so Saturday this past weekend I was at a birthday party for the son of the Governor of my province ... and The Warrior was there. He looked better than I'd ever seen him before. Hotter. Honed down. Leaner. And somehow easier. Warmer.

And I had nothing to say. So I didn't. Say. A. Thing.

And his face said everything. Said all the things he couldn't say to me when he should have said them to me. His. REGRET. Was palpable. And it feels so good to know I am not strung up in the loose threads of his indecision. Anymore. And it feels so good to know I have put that love somewhere small and warm and somewhere mine where even he can't touch it - where he can't pull up and resuscitate it - where he can't touch it to make me wince - where my family can't touch it to kill it - and where it lives like a memory that breathes yesterday into tomorrow. Some reminder like a photograph that breaks nostalgic a moment that can never be retrieved, only looked upon, only speculated upon.

I have no shame. 3 years ago I put my heart out on the alter. An offering. And 3 years ago he couldn't deal. And now when I saw him ... (drum roll) it was the moment we'd all been waiting for boys and gals ... and I was SPARED ... spared the intensity of loving him still. I was scared that I still had it - But. I. don't.

I don't have that heavy. Or that incredible lightness. Anymore. I wish him so very well. And I know he knows he so so so missed the best thing. There will never be another for him. Like the other he sent away. He knows that. And I feel sorry for that, for him. He deserves the best.

And a small part of me suspects that he is somehow stronger now. Inside. That maybe he is wishing hard as all hell I'll ask him in again. Because this time his resolve will be mightier than that of my Family. But it's too late. Mate.

And I am so glad it's really really behind me now. Somewhere far behind. Its just a story to tell. No pain. Just a story. A little beautiful. A little sad. A little story. That really was mine.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

BREAK

25 March, 2007 22:11  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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25 March, 2007 22:58  
Blogger 1986 said...

i'm just sad. that love is not always enough. it's true and it's heartbreaking.

thanks for sharing ricebag.

10 April, 2007 21:56  

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