Monday, August 01, 2005

shitty day

Wow. Last Friday comes close to just about the shittiest day I've had since returning to PNG just 4 months ago. It was one of those stinkers where every damn thing just went belly-up and I suck-I suck-I suck was the mantra of ricebag. Couldn't get a bloody thing right and got a big one wrong and felt dumber than a dumdum. DUM!!

Well, I won't bother going into specifics. Sufficed to say the entire day was one of the longest I have ever experienced and I felt about this big by the end and I went home and just wanted to cry and thank the Lord that MyMama is still here taking care of her biggest baby because I was a bit of a wreck.

Feeling like I am never going to be good at this gig and was hoping I could kinda 'pull-it-off' like I do everything else ... but have to remember that the first 6 months are supposed to be torture ... when your self-esteem is lower than landfill and your sense of belonging is with the vermin.

I just cannot wait until I start to get my shit together. THAT day will be a real blessing.

And more bad nius ... remember those awful exams I had a month ago? Well, one of them was completely awful and I have it on very good authority that the lecturer who sets them is an arsehole of the very highest order and he wrote me an exam I could not pass ... and voila ... I did not pass.

I can't believe it. MyMama and I concur in saying that to the best of our knoweldge, I have never failed anything in my life.

Well ... welcome to PNG folks. My exam-marker, the scrawny Mr Lulu, whom in all seriousness I suspect suffers from some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (of the constantly washing his hands in antiseptic variety) ... also has this thing against ... women. And its common knowledge. And his position gives him such power and he wields it like its his life-force and I just want to grab and shove it somewhere completely unimaginative.

Lucky for me all my colleagues and MyFamily are on ricebag's side and we fight on in the knowledge that Good will Triumph over Evil ... when I sit for that bastardos exam again in 6 weeks.

So I went home on Friday with a sad-sack full of work and a heart as sad as my pale pashingnina. And it was all the Merry-Go-Round ... spent the whole night until 3am talking with OurHero and my other uncle, PapaJoe ... two of my favourites. Loving my Family! We talk about anything and everything ... life, culture, civilizations and their passing, lemon teacake, shitty Mr Lulu, MIA BabySister, Iraq, earthquakes, linguistics, student demonstrations ... and thats only by midnight!

MyMama's birthday was on Saturday and we all loafed around together at Aunty Ds and had a few home-made cakes and sweet milky tea and in-between yummy yums and just really flopped and did a bit of shop, but otherwise, hung out under the air-con, telling stori and whiling away. And the best bit of the day was when MyMama laughed harder than I've EVER heard her laugh after a she made a phone-boo boo. That was totally beautiful, that sound. Made me smile from the inside out. Made me wince, I knew I'd miss it once it left. And always cling onto it like one of the TopFive loving memories of the woman who gave me birth. It was a truly peaceful and loving moment.

But I never could really enjoy ... coz hanging over my head the thundercloud of WorkToDO!

So yesterday I started at about lunchtime and stayed up ALL NIGHT ( I shit you not) ... still going strong and despite a minor migraine this morn, am palling in sweet.

So the work is WORK and have a horrendous time coming up and just wanted you to know its all a bit BusinessAsUsual ... which makes me SAD ... because I know I cannot live my life like this ... dreading work ... not enjoying it. Oh, I cannot wait until the first (which they say are the worst) 6 months are over!!!

CanNOT wait to feel good about myself again.


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