can you send me

One of my best friends, miss oa-didi, my bit of a beautiful rock, is sending me up a parcel from Sidoneeeee Ostroileeeeeeya. She asked me if I wanted her to slip me anything else inside the packet. Let me seeeeee.

I said:

Can you please send me an old-man's pub where I can crack a schooner at 2.30 on a windy solo arvo and not blink an eye.

Can you please send me Darlo at 11pm when the night is swelling and all eyes are looking looking.

Can you send me a big green park where there is no buai and in my bilum is Bukowski and my rollies, a box of guava juice and a cardy.

Can you send me my ravo boarders so that I can bitch and moan about our need for us to do everything together inlcuding holidays and hospitals. But really I need that too.

Can you send me woo because I miss her small chin and the way it wriggles when she wants to cry so laughs instead.

Can you send me a det-of-the-vega so we can sigh and smile and all that history can pass in one glance and not mean as much as sometimes it does.

Can you send me skye and neutral bay and my room with the white bay window overlooking the harbour as her dog zack bounds up the stairs.

Can you send me my love that I gave away and should have asked for back.

Can you send me the feeling that tomorrow was always something for later.

Can you send me this year full of memories for all the weddings and the engagement parties and the witnessing falling-in-lovings moments of the ones I won't catch.

Can you send me that boy who means what he says and says he means to make it, however, whatever, with this old gal.

Can you send me back to school so I could have spent the last 10 years more RECKLESS that i was ... so that I screamed I LOVE YOU from a rushing train ... so that I cried for me when i kept schtum ... so that I ran away when I couldn't hack it ... so that I learnt how to buckle, how to fall, instead of standing up in situ rigor mortis ... learnt I was weak- before I knew how strong I could be

Can you?

Can you make me forget all my sydney regrets.

Can you make me remember all those clean sunny sandy days where white linen on the line cut across a waving blue sky as I lay on the grass and thought how sweet it is.

___________________________

I miss sydney. But i dont think thats really it. I miss ME. The me in sydney.

in png i am so .... stifled. i cant think or say what i really want/feel for fear of offence ... treading carefully etc i earn less than nothing right now and that is pretty much an economic nightmare - which means very much less independence. i am so wary of making new friends because so many people here judge first and ask never.

but but but. i am finding my way. because i can. and want to. and most of all - because i STRONGLY suspect, there is one!

at the same time i feel like there is SO much possibility coming out of this experience. its all happening. it pretty full-on. i am not loving it. but i am understanding more every day. the salient rewards are the ones that are holding my feet to the ground.

i have to stop now - its late and i want to go home.

forgive me this rant.

as ever, ricebag