Saturday, October 01, 2005

sori tumas

ricebag a la loo : neutral bay pub : school reunion 2004


What is wrong with you ricebag. In the last 2 weeks 3 perfectly nice, intelligent, gainfully employed, good-looking and responsible guys have asked me out. But nooooo. Ricebag can't do lunch, dinner, canoeing, the markets or forever. Sori tumas.

Every time I get asked, or even just know (you know when you know) that someone is in like of ricebag, I just can't be arsed.

As I tried in vain to explain to my boss at after-work drinks yesterday ... ricebag is all-or-nothing girl. She knows KNOWS if someone is the someone for lunch, dinner, canoeing, the markets and forever ... I don't do part-time love ... I am not capable of the casual encounter ... unfortunately or fortunately ricebag is built this way baby.

I can be your mate. If you are a boy, I will be your mate. I will be the girl you call on to bitch with; I will be the girl you call on to have a beer with; I will be that girl. Thats ricebag. But if you like me and you can't help it you need to be careful because I don't do casual love ... it's never going to even go there ... I still want to be your friend, your girl-mate, that girl who is not like all the others ... but you need to get over liking me if this is going to work. Coz I hate to tell you ... but if I wanted to be with you - you'd know it! There wouldn't be any prelim. And ricebag doesn't make the forever-kind of love unless she's smitten-and-sure and that doesn't happen to her very often and if you've passed over into her matey territory, then that means you're not IT.

SO so so so ... one of my bosses T-REX ... loves me. She loves me loves me. And she is dying for me to get all cosy and boxed up with a certain mate of mine. Sorry I said ... T-REX you must be DEAF ... so let me make myself clear ... ricebag tried casual love and guess what - she's no good at it ... she can't do it half-way ... she's tried love in all the wrong places and some of the right ones and right now it feels good to know that it only matters to her when its real. I am not looking for A Man or even The One. Just someone smart enough and ready enough to let me put my bags down and peel back some of the layers ... I will know and hopefully he will too. Until then, I am currently carrying on a pretty full-on love affair with my family and they are consuming all my time and energy out of the office, which is only about right considering I left home aged 10 and haven't let them see behind my holiday-face since then. Having been absent-daughter, ricebag is now trying her shift on for size and that's exhausting!! Getting to know the ones who love you more than sunday is a secret blessing and I ain't givin it up for a part-time so-so ... just can't. And when I do find someone, the one, he is going to have to fit into the space I am carving out so that means I need to really really want to be with him ... coz right now the cosy I have with the people I call home is as close to holy a place as ever I've been.

So yeah - ricebag has lots of room for love. I've been giving away pieces of myself forever. And it's free. Just know when ricebag lets you in, that's her way. It's an invitation to treat, not a promise.


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