pick up 52

today was one of those CRASH BOOM BAH CRAP CRAP CRAP days at work where ricebag dun't do nuthin right and her boss knows it and lets her know that he knows it. and that its not good enough. (ouch)

the lesson being, just when you think you're lining up all your aces, someone teaches you how to play pick up 52 instead.

i mean, somewhere important inside, ricebag knows i need to do this steep-curve-learning thing but i gotta tell you - sometimes a not less important part of me is asking WHY do i put myself through this? is this what i am going to do? maybe i am just meant to make a beautiful home and produce a string of barefoot mini-me's swimming in the river, playing in the forest, sleeping in my blium ... babies eating kaukau blackened in the ash and upside-down pineapple cake cooked on a pile of sticks ... the children of my lover ... my own tribe who know what their language means and understand that they have identity and they are rooted in ples and no other geography can defeat that. maybe i am meant to skite off and live a life predicated on the few small truths i have saved after sifting through the debris of the mass of things that pass through a life - rather than living like my real life is going to start "when ...".

so - what is THIS ... this "work" that i do. i respect this profession, i honour its elite and i acknowledge my own accomplishments and my possibility ... but but but ... while i know that what i am doing now is supposed to leading me somewhere, i feel like all i can do is hope like hell that that place is a place that lives close to where i want to be as a person. or is that asking too muchie?? i fear i am leaving too much up to providence.

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whatever happens, i just don't want to pass by myself, without wondering. that would truly be an awful waste.

"People travel to wonder at the heights of mountains

at the huge waves of the sea

of the long courses of rivers

at the vast compass of the ocean

at the circular motion of the stars

and they pass by themselves without wondering"

~Thomas Aquinas