Wednesday, May 09, 2007

my perfect ring of scars

someone else's postcard :

what you gave to me

my perfect ring of scars

you know i can see what you really are

you didn't hurt me nothing can hurt me

you didn't hurt me nothing can stop me now

ruiner lyrics by nine inch nails

7 years ago. somebody hurt me. he hurt me in the way only a lover hurts a lover. and i don't know if i hurt him back. i didn't think i did.

it took me a long time to forgive myself for letting him hurt me.

and now he wants me. back.

and i don't know if it feels like the beginning of the year 2000 was just so 2000 years ago (god, was it that long?? so many days and dreams have passed since then, i can't even imagine - and yet i am still the same core of me) ... and maybe that time that has passed means we're better people or just stronger people and he deserves a second chance and i do too. i just dont know. maybe it means nothing at all except to let the past lay whereever it does and to say That Was Then.

i dont know. i think maybe if i see him i will know. but should i see him?

i don't know.

some people you just can't rub out of your skin and you rub and you rub until all that is left is a perfect ring of scars. the pain has gone and just the memory remains. but even the memory of the pain is strangely beautiful. edifying.

but the scarring process just wasn't graceful and it wasn't elegant. the heartache was very real and it was pretty messy.

i. just. don't. know.

but having said that, somewhere on the surface of things there is a cord that runs through my body and tells me some of the few seminal things that i know to be true. and one of those things that my body tells me is true is that i can't go back to this man.

but when did that ever stop anyone.

i don't know

what i do know is that when sydney comes, that question will have to be answered.


Anonymous Carolyn said...

I think that I deserve a rather long email, explaining EXACTLY what this is all about!


If nothing else, it sounds like you're up for a bit of excitement when you get to Sydney (as if there was any doubt of that)!


10 May, 2007 09:50  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


7 years is a long time ago. See how you feel when you get to Sydney. Also don't totally write off any other 'uncle' possibilities. Yu yet save!

love yu,


14 May, 2007 18:04  
Blogger islandbaby aka ricebag said...

CG - i think i told you about him. am trying not to think about it too much.

Finah - am ALL about other uncle possibilities.

you girls save.


15 May, 2007 17:41  

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