november rain

its been raining. pouring. buckets and sheets and floods and down and sideways and even back up. the rain has been relentless. and my heart is being blown in. deluge. of water water.

i am in a deep funk.

• mymama is way way low and things are happening to her i cant control and noone can and somehow i have become the parent and not the child but she dont listen anyway and i dont know how to fix this broken thing.
• babysister is MIA. in physic and spirit. and i miss her deeply but i also have to stop. stop saving her. and nothing makes me feel more disloyal than waiting for her to swim out of the deep end while my back is turned.
• last week i had the worst week at work i ever had in my life. my little boss made me cry. not easy cry. but hard cry. in the ladies toilet. on the 38th floor. heaving cry. alone crying. and it didnt matter that he was wrong and off his nut - it mattered that i didnt walk out of there before he completed his rampage through my self-esteem.

and so on and so on.

i feel like things are very slippery right now and i dont think anyone can stop it. i certainly dont know how. i think i've learnt to read the current, but not to rule it and now i am close to my last ... and the problem is i am shit. i am shit at handling my life, is what all of this feels like.

november was full-on. and fast. and fucked.

and thats ok. is ok. is ok. it is ok. i guess down is part of up. but i just am tired. thassal. am just tired. and scared. quite scared.