roller coaster

All I know as of right now inside this minute is that something has shifted in my entire sphere of reference and it feels like a growing-up thing although it's too dark to tell right now.

My world is getting smaller, I can hear the hinges creaking ... although I'm not scared coz ricebag knows it's old bones and not old ghosts.

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Wow. This week has been such a roller coaster. Where to begin? It's been sleepless and emotionally draining and interesting and sad and strange.

• Very sad news for my little cousin Israel whose mummy died on Monday after suffering a long illness. Sorry baby. So sorry. Ricebag spent the week in and out of the cry-haus and am also feeling sad for MyMama who can't be here to cry and to tell her cousin Leo that she knows what widow means and life isn't fair but you hold on because that's your job when you're the only parent left.
• Had a deep long look at London on Tuesday (shall say no more there).
• Had dinner last night with my star Finah and have to say there isn't a girl my age that I respect more. We been through a lot doll and I can't wait to go through the next 50 years with you. Thankyou for getting me ... and loving me anyway.
• I made a HUUUUUUUUUUGE decision today that might affect the rest of my life. And truth be known, I don't feel so good right now - I feel a little sick actually but really hope I dont regret that decision.
• On Tuesday I realized it was the the 1 year anniversay since I started this job - which is also the 1st year I have ever worked ANYWHERE permanently.
• And I lost 2 kilograms. Must be from sleeplessness and stress.

Although, there was a highlight of the week - Valentines Day of course ... Managed a random evening out with NoNo and Pinky U at none other than Red Hot Chilli Peppers Night Club here in Industrial Gordons for Girly Girly night AKA PNG's very own 'Miss Universe Competition' ... and if you didn't know (as I didn't), the term "girly girly" refers to he-She's or men-who-probably-like-men who like to dress as women so then, in PC terms we should refer to them as She's. And miss C-lander invited us out to watch her friend Chukachukamomo perform. Alas Chuky was absent but that certainly didn't dampen the efforts of the other 8 She's who paraded and flounced and perted and pouted etc etc Lovely to know that even in our own little way Port Moresby's community of She-she's has a venue to shine and compete and shake their thang! The clientelle was varied and the variation ran from slimy-o yuck-yuck ancient white dude grabbing baby-o 14-yr old brown-breasts to some pretty classy off duty air host darlings to none other than a highly placed public servant who probably knew better than to be mucking it up in a dive with a bunch of misfits such as ourselves. But the decor was a bonus - can't say I've seen a golden dancing pole anywhere else in PNG, combined with tinsel, strobe lighting, pool tables and the lack of ANY windows or fresh air. Best thing was the total randomivity of it all. Loving random.

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So ... what is the sum of all these things? Proof that life goes on and on and you have to experience the relationships You Claim and choose the life You Have and know that ultimately there will come a time when you look back and know why you made that big decision that you made back when you made it even though you didn't know at that time exactly why you were making it.

At least I have my little cherry cigars to keep me going. Thankyou BabySister. See how your love leaves traces behind. (Although, I will admit, smoking those is making me want to quit ... although I enjoy smoking them whilst I am smoking them, I think I feel sick soon afterwards. And for me, it's the regular post-smoking sensation of smoking regular cigarettes, but in steep acceleration. I feel the end of my puffing career is near. And me no sad at all. Looking forwardly. Got to get through your baby choc fags first though.)