Saturday, August 06, 2005

sometimes old people forget

what is feels like when you're young and you're just dying to do so much in what feels like too-too little period of time ... like there isn't enough time to fit in all that massive learning and this big fat world and to experience all the shit and the stars and to breathe and fight and love like sunday is never gonna to come ... sometimes old people forget that the next 10 years can feel like forever and never all in the same instant ... that all this burning and yearning has actual physical effects and consequences ... that the wear and tear and the exhaustion and the all that forwarding and reversing, like badges of honour, they're all the proof required that battles were fought well within ...

and I know that I forget - all the time ... I forget that learning is meant to take time, even when its flooding ... I forget that Love doesn't always have to jump you to knock you out ... I forget that real and strong relationshipos are forged over eons ... I forget that every experience has intrinsic value - and missed experiences just don't count ... I forget that my life is so goddam rich it's thick to suck ... I forget that long-term goals are like umbrellas that protect us from the shitty-want-to-pack-up-and-fuck-off days

and still. and still I feel like there isn't enough time ... I never have ... it used to make me desperate ... sleepless and manic ... I was fun-girl, pretty-girl, bestfriend-girl, mate-girl, smart-girl, sad-girl, loving-girl, lovely-girl, poor-girl, rich-girl, ugly-girl, stunning-girl, dum-girl, fat-girl, skinny-girl ... all these faces ... I wore them like I was taste-testing chillies under the fluro-lights of the hard-bitten exotic foods counter at Coles - only noone told me it was april fools ... yeah, it made me lonely ... but then, having this much life-ambition isn't generally a cake you can cut into smaller pieces ... it's such a beautiful fucking burden ... but boy, I tell you it's heavy ... it's so heavy but at the same time its this fickle tempter because just when you want to not want it so much, you get this perfect flash inside, like a picture, and there is no heavy just in that glittering second and that is all you need to hump over and carry on because somehow that perfect moment lets you know that it's all good, that it's all just a part of getting there, that there is in fact, a there

and someitmes I do hope and pray for the day feeling this way reaches it's used-by date ... and maybe that is when I too, like old people, will hopefully, begin to forget ... but those times a pretty rare


Post a Comment

<< Home