Wednesday, May 31, 2006

walking away from ricebag

There are people walking away from me. Ones I found very easy to love and once caught never envisaged not always having them there. Yes, the boys, the men have come and gone. But it’s the women who have broken my heart in ways that don’t ever get kissed better.

I miss you Oa. I miss you Finni. I miss you each dearly.

Wow. Oa. what can I say? Ours was a little divined. But maybe its run its course. I know you. I see you. You're weak but youre strong. You're fearless and you're afraid. You're gifted and powerful and growing and I hope you become everything you want to be. Wish I was going to be in on the ride but maybe this is where our story ends.

And Finni. What happened? It's all in your court. You're choosing a life without any spectators and I always wanted to be there. So it hurts me more than I can say, not just the tears or my chest with the thousand wrecking balls punching it in ... it's my honour too. I deserve more from you. I think I earnt that much. Stealing your life away from me and all of us here ... that's you doing that my love.

TO OA AND FINNI: But I think I loved you more than you liked me. I kow you loved me. But did you like me enough - strangely this matters almost more. Admitting that maybe you don't, well that gutts me to the red heart core. But makes me feel kind of clean too. And less of a beggar. You always felt to rich to me, in beauty, in savvy, in moments ... and I think you felt the same about me too. I thought we had a mutual love affair. But all 3 of us come from families of girls, lots of girls ... and even from that, we sought other girls out to be more like sisters that the ones we knew ... and for me I thought you each of you on your own, I thought you were living and being the ricebag that ricebag wanted inherently to live and to be. And the massive attractions was, I thought, mutual. Of course what I learnt was that our paths were different ... that we each saw something in the other that we liked and honoured more than sometimes even the sweetest part of our selves - and that's why we played together ... because golddust does rub off, just like good intentions. We laughed and cried and told loads of secrets and endured some of the most incredible growing-up pains together, or at the least, watched each other closely as we went through our own unitarian trials and in covering that distance, built up serious mileage on our friendsforever-ometer ... but I guess it just doesn't happen that way. These things, these mirrors and reflectors and affairs and relationships - they need to be maintained. And one thing the 3 of us have in common is we were never very good gardeners. We haven't been tending to each other - not ricebag & Oa and not ricebag & Finni.

Never throught there'd be a goodbye that tasted real and soluble and this one does I guess. I keep saying youre my other halves but its screaming hollow in my ears. Your silence says so much. And I'm not cross that you don’t send me love and I'm not jealous that you find time for somethings that seem more improtant than me and I'm not pissed that we have all this heavy baggage and its your goddam job to weigh through each article with me so that the journey becomes complete … I'm just sad.

But you Fin are walking away from me. Not I from you.

And it took a another forward (attached below) from a very unique boy - my incredibly gorgeous cousin Timbo, to make me sit down and seal the envelope which I kept propped open with my hopping foot in the keen hope you'd come waltzing through again like the tea was still hot on the stove and yesterday hadn't stretched into chasm.

Now I see that maybe, so sadly, but maybe, our story is over. So I am not begging either of you to stay. I never was. I was hoping there was more. That's all. So I am letting you go.

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye.

It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...... LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth..... LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ......... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...... LET IT GO!!!

If you! u have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......... LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left.. Think about it, and then. LET IT GO!!!


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