i don't recognise ricebag

*another lager, another day : ricebag down at the pub in london : bartercard snapping this shot : mid-summer 2003 : dingy pub on the road to brixton : just the way we like it : 5 minutes before closing : 6 minutes before kebabs and garlic hot chips*

Never thought I'd be saying this, but, as of yesterday I am trying to reprogram my mentality ... by starting and ending each day with a positive affirmation - for at least a week to see how it goes.

For some reason I have turned into a negative person. I don't recognise ricebag. I feel a distinct and dire lack of self-worth; I feel dum dum dum & I feel slow; I feel (and this is the worst) incompetent.

Having nothing else to blame except for the stress of a job which has the paradox of keeping me up at night (every 45 minutes I shake awake, never having properly teetered off the sleeping cliff) with worry and yet nothing I am actually doing in the office is what I would term as critical. I am, right now, expending serious amounts of energy analysing why I shouldn't quit - and I have NEVER done that before.

Truth be told, I think it boils down to a distinct lack of motivation. Something has GOTTA change. Please, Lord. Chicken before the egg - is it the work, or is it me.

I think 85% of this is in my head. Having never been this near to psychotically-negative before in my life, I am extremely wary of this creature unleashed ... and hence, am willing to try almost anything

... including positive affirmations.

"I, Ricebag, am an intelligent, confident, and articulate person who will become an outstanding **** and **** for my clients."

So I started yesterday and I don't mean to get all Anthony Robbins on everyone but today I woke up NOT feeling absolute shite about myself (still feeling like shit ... but less than usual) for the first time in months. I am hoping that as they say, these affirmations are a powerful tool to reprogram the subconscious.

So now you'll know where I'll be ... in front of the mirror in the morning immediately when I get up and in the evening right before I go to sleep ... for at least a week ... or longer if it means I die a little less inside every time I clock in.

I just need to feel better at work. All my other problems can get positively affirmed at some other time.