Monday, February 26, 2007

lax past action

sosie so so.

not much to report in the life of. except i found out today that my life is going to change sooner than i expected.

other than that, life has been good and interesting although not really spectacular. the best thing is that my cousin LAX is in town again and 2 w/ends in a row of partying together is wearing me out.

love love love my little brother. love you LAX!! you make me feel like a strong big sister and i am hoping you know i will do anything for you, i will throw down for you man. my message to you is never forget to keep your integrity above all else. and remember pride is a dangerous thing.

and the thing i am most grateful for is that one of my cousins from my other side was trying to split up LAX and i and she has failed failed failed. you hurt me deeply LAX, with what i saw as a betrayal and i felt confused and let down, mate. you made me doubt your loyalty. but our healthy and long conversation 10 days ago reminds me that blood is thicker than anything and i will always be grateful for that chance for us to clear the air.

but what i am learning is that i am black & white. what i see is what i see is what i see. and i will walk away if someone runs foul and can't clean up the shit they leave behind, let alone acknowledge it. but you are grey and even your grey is blurred and you try to compartmentalize your relationships. i guess you find cohesion and maintenance in that, whereas i can only see hypocrisy. i might hold onto emotional rubbish long past the rotting stage but sure enough i will throw it out when confrontation fails. you won't see me saving face when keeping face means losing decency. shelving your honour makes you corruptible.

but because i love you as much as i do, and because you are your own man, i am doing my best to understand and accept your choices. as long as you remember that love & loyalty should never ever be expected but always demonstrated. you're young so you think words mean something. gotta say LAX, but they really don't. past action is the best predicter of future action - not words.

you and babysister are my twin pains-in-the-asses and it would take a lot to extricate you! plus you make me proud. in the very best way. in the way that says loving hurts and and coming out the other side takes humility and patience. so never doubt that i will show up when you need me. that's my job.

and i want to thank you. for trusting me. and letting me in. and not growing out of your need to ask my opinion on matters of love and losing. and knowing me sometimes better than i do - mostly because your memory is very good but also because you've been around forever, the witness to ricebag's journey. it's been a privilege LAX and here's to the next hundred years.


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